Ethical Relationships

I was reading this post by Dan Edge about relationships. It kind of made me feel guilty because I had just let a long-term friendship go, but then I remembered...

"How could you do this after everything I've done for you?"

Now let me give this phrase a little context. If my ex-friend and I were ever talking about good friends that she had had in years past, she would always say this phrase when referencing the fact that they weren't her friend any more (or at least not a best friend any more). The use of this phrase by her would always rub me the wrong way, because it felt like she was holding this person for ransom - their friendship was payment for...services rendered?

As I see it, any relationship is an exchange - a trade, if you will. Both parties involved are looking to trade interests and time. If one party isn't getting out of it what they need or want, trading stops; otherwise it would be a waste of interest and time. I have to admit that in the last five years my interests and the way that I enjoy using my time have changed a great deal - so much so, in fact, that I'm sure that there are people out there who don't even recognize the person that I am now. I think that my friend is included in that group of people.  I tried to fit her and her interests into the sphere that was now me, but it didn't work. The things I cared about and was concerned about differed greatly from hers. On top of that, there were a lot of unhealthy aspects of our relationship that I will not go into right now. In going through the process of changing and growing, I became a much stronger person than I was when our friendship started, and I felt like the unhealthy aspects of our friendship were more damaging to me than the friendship itself was good. And so I turned down invitations. I stopped calling. I stopped putting forth the effort to maintain the friendship. And I got:

"How could you do this after everything I've done for you?"


Which actually seemed to prove my point quite well.

I will not apologize for who I am now, and I will not change for anyone. The changes I made were for myself (I will be posting another aspect of these changes in relation to my friends in the very near future). As my favorite author said:

"I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction." -Ayn Rand, Anthem

And I think that says it all.

The Difference Between a Republic and a Democracy

I found this article today and, while I was reading it, certain affirmative phrases kept running around my head. Stuff like: "Right on!", "You tell 'em!", and "Give 'em hell!"

My problem has been, everyone seems to either use the terms Republic and Democracy interchangeably, or they have been so brainwashed by our public school system that they actually think that our government is supposed to be a democracy (these same people haven't ever heard the term republic in their lives - I think it has been banned from school textbooks). So if you are one of those people and would really like to know what I mean by "republic," or you just want to see why I was going through so much affirmation while I was reading the article, check it out. I promise you, it is worth your time.

Republic? Democracy? What's the Difference?

Just a Reaffirmation...

I ran into this blog post this morning and, since it so perfectly illustrates what I was rambling about yesterday, I have decided to provide a link to it here. This article talks about how important a parent's role is in directing their child's education, whether in a public, private, or homeschool setting.

I am glad that I ran into this post this morning.

Conversations about Education

My oldest daughter spent the night at a friend's house last night. Great for me, although I didn't know how great at the time. When I went to pick her up this evening, I spent two and a half hours talking to the friend's mom about education issues.

I guess part of my problem is that I am so used to the people around me being apathetic and so used to the status quo, that I never really expected to find someone as sensitive to education issues as I am, much less someone that is the mother of one of my daughter's friends. It was an amazing conversation, and with someone that isn't an educator! We talked about the increasing entitlement mentality of our kids (she recommended a book that I hadn't heard of on the subject) and the waste and fraud in our school systems. And of course, since our daughters go to the same school, we talked about issues that run rampant in their school.  The talk was so uplifting for me that it has given me hope that there are parents out there that aren't totally apathetic. And I know that there aren't. But as someone who has spent most of her adult life as a single working parent, I haven't had the time to be active enough in my daughter's school to get to know other parents all that well. This episode has shown me that I may well want to start, though, and not just for the reason of meeting other like-minded parents. As a taxpayer and parent, it is my job to find out how my money is being spent, and for someone as interested and concerned about our public school system as I am, I am being horribly negligent in keeping up with what is going on in my own daughter's school. As far as her classes go, I have a pretty good idea and she and I talk about it a lot, but as far as the whole school - I didn't walk away from that conversation feeling like the most responsible parent in that department.

Another area that this conversation has me thinking really hard about is homeschooling. Not that anything the parent told me surprised me. I wasn't surprised by any of it. But, being someone who has thought seriously about homeschooling in the past and still constantly thinks about it, this conversation has re-affirmed my conviction that public schools are not the places that are the best for our children, and the government is not the most trustworthy educator. They certainly aren't the most trustworthy when it comes to handling Other People's Money, which is why there is so much fraud and abuse in the public school system in the first place. If they run out of money they can complain and get more. Private schools are businesses, running on a profit-motive; if they don't have the money to do what needs to be done, they shut down. They have to be responsible.

So why would I homeschool rather than putting my daughter in private school? As an educator and someone who is very interested in how kids learn, I would gain first-hand knowledge about how kids learn. I have already done extensive studying into the topic. Plus, what mother wouldn't want to stay home and take care of their kids? Since the advent of the welfare state made it almost impossible for mothers to stay home with their kids and daycare is becoming an ever-growing industry, parents aren't raising their kids any more. Educators are doing it more and more. It really is a shame, and sometimes the parents of the kids I teach point out that I spend more time with their kids than they do. They expect to get their money's worth because of it, and I try very hard to deliver, but I hate the fact that it is me, rather than them, who is raising their children. To be the one raising my kids and teaching them the things they need to know to be independent, thinking adults would be one of the greatest gifts that I could give them. And perhaps, through the experience, I can extend that gift to other parents by educating their kids to be independent, thinking adults.

Streamline

Stress.

Stress has been killing me lately. Between my job, research, and my two kids I have been a bundle of nerves, stretched so tight that I could explode or implode at any moment. Luckily, my boyfriend and I planned a mini-vacation to the beach before I did myself any permanent damage.

It was just what I needed. We got away from everything  and enjoyed our time together. It was the best vacation I have had in my entire life.

Upon re-entering reality, I have come to realize that my hierarchy of things to focus on had fallen  completely to shambles. This had caused me to stress about things that I didn't even need to be stressing about. I had lost focus of my goals and dreams and had begun pursuing a haphazard collection of goals that didn't even interest me enough for me to give any of them my full energy.

Since I have dedicated this blog to freedom - mainly personal freedom - I want to take this time to state my goals for the next year as clearly and precisely as I can so that if I ever get as off-track as I have been recently, I can remind myself of what I felt was important to me when I was in a moment of greater clarity.

 Goal #1

I will refocus my research on education, specifically on developing the curriculum that I have been working on. I will continue to study Objectivist epistemology and other areas of Objectivist thought in regards to education. I will also finish reading "The Underground History of American Education." I will probably have to start over at the beginning and read the entire thing through since it has been so long since I have picked it up.

Goal #2

I will continue to give my all as a teacher, and will continually apply the principles of my research to my job.

Goal #3

I will work towards living a healthier life by eating better and exercising more. In the past I have viewed this as a weight-loss goal, which I feel has hampered my efforts at accomplishing anything. Instead of focusing so much on weight, I will focus more on being healthier. While weight loss is something that will make me healthier, I will maintain a focus of overall health rather than just weight loss.

Goal #4

I will remember, as I strive to meet these goals, that I have a family that needs me. I will take better care of myself so that I can better meet their needs. I will try not to become so overwhelmed by all of the other factors in my life that I can't be everything I need to be to them.


These goals reflect the main areas of my life that I would like to work on. I expect myself to have made major improvements in all of these areas within a year. And a year from now, if not periodically before then, I will check back and see how I am doing. 

Unearned Guilt Part II

I am going to digress from the polished form of my usual posts for a moment, because this subject of unearned guilt is extremely personal to me and I feel like I should give it the attention that I feel it is due. I say this because I know that for many, many years I struggled with unearned guilt - up until three or four years ago when I got rid of most, if not all, of it.

Most of the problem comes from my upbringing - my childhood demanded guilt on a daily basis, a guilt that continued in many forms into my adult life. I got rid of this guilt fairly recently, but this isn't the guilt that I want to spend my time here addressing. I just feel that it is an important thing to include to give some background into where I am coming from.

A lot of my guilt also came from my religion. I was raised a Christian and went to church very regularly until I was 18 or 19 years old. I remember questioning my faith and Christianity even when I was a child, and those questions never stopped. I constantly felt like I was never good enough; I always had to do more and more to prove myself to God or Jesus or the preacher or the people around me. I suppose that I understood that Jesus saved simply because I asked him to, but I couldn't get past the biblical mandates to do more and be more. So I did. I worked hard. I ran a Sunday School program with fervor until I was so burnt out on it that I couldn't see straight. I sang, I prayed, I read my bible, and it still was never enough.

At this time, I remarried my ex-husband, which was another area of unearned guilt for me. Christians aren't supposed to get divorced. They are supposed to stay together and provide the best future they can for their kids. When we got remarried we switched churches because he didn't like the one I was at. Of course there was guilt  from that. I was leaving a church where I ran the Sunday school program - just leaving it hanging. But I wanted to do what I thought was best for my marriage. People at the new church didn't stop talking about how great it was that we had remarried.

Almost a year later he and I split up. The new church wouldn't understand this; everyone I tried to talk to about it recommended that I do what I could to make things better. But it was hard for me to do that when another woman and several lies were involved. I left the new church because of the lack of understanding from them and I didn't go back to the old church because I had burned bridges there. I was shocked at what I felt was the hypocrisy of the people around me, including my husband who read a bible daily but talked to a woman who wasn't his wife and lied to her about me and our children.  I even felt my own hypocrisy because I had left a church that I hadn't wanted to leave in order to make someone else happy. I had left a Sunday school program in the lurch. I was a hypocrite.

On top of this there were my friends. I have to bring this up, because I feel that there may be other people out there going through this situation and not being able to get out of it. Through my process of getting rid of the unearned guilt that I was carrying around,  I lost a lot of the things that I had in common with my friends that I always hung out with. Not that this was the total cause for my sudden lack of interest in my friends. Hanging out with my friends was always a stressful experience for me; I always felt like I was doing something wrong and was always made to feel not good enough. The same types of guilt that applied in my church experience were living themselves out every day in front of my friends. Through my journey to rid myself of all of this guilt, I decided that I didn't have to feel like that all the time. I began limiting my time with my friends and not calling them as much. My life has been much less stressful because of the decision I made to cut the drama and the negative feelings out of my life. Of course, through the process of getting all of that out of my life, I have had to hear a lot of, "How could you do this after everything we have done for you? You are so selfish!"

And to this I reply: Yes, I am selfish. My personal well-being is important to me, and I HATE feeling guilty all of the time for absolutely nothing at all! I do not owe you my life and my sanity; I do not owe you my time or my being. This goes for my "friends" as well as any god that may or may not be out there. This goes for anyone in my life that may be a catalyst for any unearned guilt that I may feel. I refuse to subject myself to the stress of such guilt any more, and I am glad that through my soul searching and self-discovery I became a strong enough person to be able to do everything that I can to rid myself of this stress.

Tea Party Guilty of Sedition

Let's get one thing clear here: according to the definition of sedition the Tea Parties and several spokespersons may be inciting it. But if we the people just bury our heads in the sand and let the government run all over us, like it is now doing, what will happen then? What is the cure for a runaway government in a country that is supposed to be a republic?

Sedition. Incitement of discontent or rebellion against a government.

Well, we sure do have a lot of discontented people out there, myself included. And since in this republic the power is supposed to be with the people, I see no problem with the people airing out their problems - and trying to do something about them. But many others think that this is unpatriotic and ridiculous.

According to Joe Klein of Time Magazine: "Let me be clear: dissent isn’t sedition. Questioning an administration’s policies isn’t sedition … but it is disgraceful and the precise opposite of patriotism in a democracy.”

Well, Joe, perhaps it is...in a democracy. The problem is, the United States isn't a democracy - or wasn't meant to be. And the reason for the First Amendment is so that when the people, who are supposed to have the power, are upset with the way that the government is running things, they can show their discontent without the fear of being punished by the government who is supposed to be working for them.

Check out this article about Joe Klein's statements. I'm glad that this is getting a little bit of play, anyway. Maybe more people will wake up and see what is happening to our country and how much control the government actually wants to have.